Feb. 3rd

Yesterday was a good day . I got a few thank yous done and mailed ( yippy ! small victory ) I went for a nice little walk , man I still can't get over how stuff like that makes me tired . I tried to be in denial that I was tired then I heard my aunts voice telling me I need to rest ! If I don't I'm only hurting and hindering my own recovery . So I took a cat nap with the cat . Karyn's cat is my kiss of death , she puts me to sleep in a few minutes flat with her warmth and purring . Love her !

I woke up to Karyn saying we had to go go go to make my doctors appointment . We made it there just in time . I really don't like to be late either does Karyn . So the car ride there was a little bit tense . I was relieved though to find out I did not need blood work done . Yes ! I avoided the needle again !!! ( another small victory )

The nurse takes us back into a room where instead of a table is a old school dental type chair . Weird to see in a radialogist office dont you think ? Well I look past my thoughts of weirdness and have a seat . The nutristionist is the first appointment . She was there to let me know what I should be eatingand stuff I should stay away from . Stuff to stay away from - Concentrated pills like green tea ( hinders what the radiation is doing ) , Fried foods ( duh ) , and foods high in fat or made with cream . Stuff that is good - Six to seven servings of fruit and vegetables , 100 ounces of water ( talk about a bladder buster ! ) , and light excercise ( keeps the body strong ! Grrr !!! )

After that the nurse takes a to a different room to meet with my radialogist . He comes in and says his hellos then procedes into the news . He tells us that he has some what good news and some what bad news . He says that they found "suspicous" cells . I kinda giggel and he looks at me a bit perplexed and I ask him if that means they are dressed in black and creaping around in my spinal fluid ? He smiles says he has never heard it put quit that way but yes sort . The cells that they found were found to be unidentifiable ( Why can't they find out the names of any thing in my body ? Maybe I'm not from here ... " take me to your leader " said in bad 50's alien voice ) also my protien count was high . He told us that if the lab techs hadn't known my case they would of told him to xray my whole body to find the cancer . Why ? High protein count in the spinal fluid can be a sign of cancer .

So he proceeds to tell me the plan of action . They will radiate my head and my spine . BLAH ! That sounds like a lot to me . He went in to the whole processes of body forming so that I don't move and laser markers ( small tattoos so they know where to treat . ) . He then started talking about the depression that people go through when they hit this part of treatment . I have to admit I haven't tried to think this far a head yet . The most thought I gave it was that I got a wig . I never thought about how I would feel while losing my hair or while it was growning back . How it would feel to get the radiation fatigue that I hear about or the nasua that can happen . So he tells us that just doing one small thing that makes you happy can help you from falling pray to the deaper side of the depression . He said that everyone gets depressed who goes through this if you did not he would worry .

I left the office feeling somewhat in my own little world . I know that I have a mini army of people who care and love me to help me get through this but for the first time I kind of felt lonley . I can't think of another word to discribe it , lonely is not the word i want but it is the closest one . This has been a strange trip so far and I am barely at the half way point . I am somewhat nervous to see what happens but a good amount of me is excited for some unknown reason .